- I am aware of my faults. Very much so. Many I have tried and continue to try to improve upon, but others have rotted, moving from mildly annoying to positively painful, both for me and the ones that I love.
- Take for example my defiant nature. Tell me to do something or face the consequences and I will mentally flip you off and immobilize. I’d probably be giving you my famous fish-face, as well. The words ‘fuck you’ might fly recklessly about the room and I would certainly plot my revenge. This fault literally drove my second husband over the edge. He could not understand why I would not step up to the plate when taunted with cruel comments that implied my lack of competence. Even now I think, “Fuck him.” I believe that my first husband got a kick out of my rebellion initially. He was confident that he could knock it out of me. Wrong. Fuck him, too.
But what to do when you are with someone that you love purely and beyond reason? Someone that you truly want to please. You want to bring joy to his life. He has earned your respect and devotion without demanding it. Defiance has no place here, but still it rears it’s wild head.
It is time to tame the beast. It is time to love and be loved.
This is hard on us all.
We are giving it an honest chance.
We are positive.
We are strong.
We are connected even though we are apart.
image first uploaded at http://www.eximiouspress.com/postcards/images/homesick.jpg
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, “thats her”….
-Unknown (Website)
found at http://www.boardofwisdom.com/printquote.asp?msgid=31065
One of my favorite movies is What Dreams May Come. Kyle has never seen it. We will watch it together in a couple of weeks.
The love between the main characters in the movie is deep, enduring, passionate, respecful, tolerant and faithful. Everything that I have always wanted in a relationship. Everything that I have always had with Kyle, but did not claim as my own until last year.
What Dreams May Come
Oh, and woohoo for me! I hunted down the instructions for up/side/downloading a video and then did it all by myself! 
I am so very blessed. I will be spending the rest of my life with my dearest friend.
I was reminded of how great our life together will be when we were discussing the Quran and the Bible today. We will have a lifetime of intense discussions and quiet ponderings.
I’m sleepy right now and wishing that I were with him so that he could read poetry to me.
I found this on Crystal’s (Hannah’s best friend) MySpace page.
I’ve got that boy now.
One of my sons is on the phone arguing with his girlfriend. It’s been going on for about twenty minutes. I hate it. I hate conflict. Ah. He just took the phone outside. Good.
They are young. Hopefully, it won’t be long until they realize that there’s not enough life to waste any of it on arguing. I’ve said as much time and again. There’s only so much one can do. Now it’s time to wait and see.
Would I ever leave him?
Never.
Last night he reassured me over and over again.
Today I received the sweetest promise ring.
I love how he loves me.
I have this fear of abandonment. It is easily tracked, beginning with my father. Then we move onto my first husband who emotionally walked out on me from the get-go. Next is my second husband, whom I trusted completely. I never trusted my first husband. From there I went on a rampage of being the abandoner rather the abandonee. I was still willing to try, but no one measured up to the now impossibly high standard that I held for a lover. That standard was Kyle.
It’s easy to see how I tried to replace him with the first two husbands. They were both engineers. Serious. Stable. Determined. Intelligent. What I failed to realize was that they lacked his grace. And they lacked his insatiable appetite for me. Not just sexually. Everything about me. Kyle adored me.
I have this fear of abandonment.
