I am deep in prayer this morning.
There are so many things to do. So many things to still smooth out.
It’s funny. I’m sure that my ex-husband thinks that he has me in a tizzy about his attempt to reduce child support, but in reality that it is just another thing on my list. I’ve always taken care of my children. He’s always done everything that he can to screw things up for my children. If he died today and there was no more child support, we would be fine. For him, money is all-powerful. If he had died ten years ago, we would have been fine. 
He won’t let go of me. In reality, everything that he does is about me, not the children. He is so consumed with his hatred for me that it colors his world.
But enough about him.
As I was saying, there are things that still need to be worked out regarding this move. Rather than drowning in a feeling of being overwhelmed, I pray.
God is a lot bigger than me. And He certainly has far more resources than I. Best to let Him take the wheel.
Today:
~call attorney
~take John to meeting
~call Rena
~gather the books/DVDs/CDs that we will be taking with us
~eat a snickerdoodle (my favorite cookie, by the way)
Around 2am I received a call from a hysterical Bianca. My stomach immediately knotted up and I rather harshly said, “What is it?” after she said my name in tears. She said that John had just been arrested. At that moment, I was relieved.
He is in the Blue Springs jail without a medical necessity and needing $4000+ to bond out. This is the boy who walked across town in the middle of the night, in the winter, to bail me out of jail. If I could do it, I would in a heartbeat. I feel helpless. I am angry. I am sad.
Right now I’m feeling intense animosity toward his father. If that asshole had shown one ounce of respect and love for the boy (for all of the kids), he wouldn’t be in this situation right now.
I hate my ex-husband. I know that you are not supposed to hate, but at this moment, I hate him once again.
James spent the night again last night. It is so nice to see the boys so often once again. His delight at the cinnamon rolls that I made for breakfast was priceless.
I am truly blessed. Chris had sworn when the boys were toddlers that he would make sure they grew to hate me. Didn’t work! What Chris failed to keep in mind was that God is far more powerful than Chris and His resources are far more abundant than Chris’.
Mother’s Day isn’t all flowers and sweet cards when you are married to the devil. I am writing a quick article for AC about where one can find various free Mother’s Day e-cards. Naturally, my mind went over Mother’s Days Past. One stands out and sadly so. All of my five children were very young. They and I had picked up McDonald’s on the way home from church to celebrate Mother’s Day. Naturally, Chris was nowhere to be found. Work was far more important than me or his children. The kids and I were at the kitchen table eating and enjoying handmade Mother’s Day cards and gifts when Chris made one of his surprise midday stops at the house. He proceeded to (and I kid you not, it was as simple as this) tell the children, “Your mother is a bad mother.” Oh, he expounded on the topic, believe me, but that was the gist of it. After he left, I quietly walked back to my sons’ bedroom and heard James saying to John, “And the house isn’t even messy at all!” True. There was not one item out of place or one counter un-wiped. That in itself probably justified the insult in Chris’ mind. How dare I excel?!
He’s long gone. In fact, he’s busy making another woman’s life a living hell right now. Stupid woman. At least I had the excuse of youth and naivete. She was in her mid-forties when she married him.
I called my ex-husband today to give him my new cell phone number. It is a Chicago number (on Kyle’s plan) and I know that he has probably been ‘researching’ Kyle ever since I gave it to him. I just wanted to make sure he had it, as Rebekah lives with him. In case of an emergency and all of that. Not that he called me when John had been run over by a car.
Why can’t that man let go of me? Why won’t he just let me be? It’s sad really. Ten years and he’s still hanging on.
Out of eleven years of marriage, there is only one thing that my ex-husband said that meant anything to me. That was, “Susan, you have the same 24 hours in a day as everybody else.” He was frustrated with me, as he almost always was, at the time. Probably angry. I only remember the words from that encounter. As much as I’ve tried to discipline myself, I have failed over and over and over again. But this time I am determined to succeed. I began this weekend, and so far I am sticking to my schedule and goals. It feels good. May it continue for the rest of my life.
